Let's just leave it how it was.

Tonight I finished the last final of my first quarter of grad school. A model of the Big Apple Circus copied from one of my professor's designs. A terrifying, but (surprisingly) fun project. This morning was my final for Freehand drawing and on Monday I turned in my Script Analysis final (it was due today). With that in mind, I realize that I may not yet be at a good vantage point to look back and see what I've come away with so far. All the same, I am startled by the marked difference in work dynamics between myself and each of my comrades in arms.

In all honesty, my work isn't that great. Not bad, mind you. Just not great. I turn everything in on time and have not had to pull an all-nighter all quarter. In fact, the latest I have stayed up to get a project done is 2:30am (I think). I've tried to work steadily and use my time wisely. Some things I understood and some things I wrestled with until I could clutch the coat-tails of understanding. I'm on what I think is the path to comprehension. Only, just now I can dimly make out the shape of what I'm holding onto and I'm hoping it isn't something with large teeth and a hankering for mousy brunettes.

My classmates, on the other hand, are amazing. I love sitting back and watching them think. They are all quick and sharp. I'm frequently left dizzy with how swiftly they've grasped a topic and moved onto the next one while I'm puzzling something over from yesterday. Or the day before. But, what's more, they aren't just in it for themselves. If they have a triumph they want to share it with others. If there has been a breakthrough that makes life easier and helps side-step the sometimes intense desire to slit your wrists, it's passed along. It's humbling, really. I cannot express how grateful I am to know each and every one of them.

I cannot help but wonder, though, what is wrong with me that I cannot muster up a good gut-wrenching sense of despair when I realize I put my staircase on backwards. Granted, my model is no where near perfect (as much as I would like it to be) and even though I am proud of it tonight I know that tomorrow I will hate it by the end of class period, I'm just ready to be done. I wish that I were like the others. They keep pushing themselves to improve. I never think I'm coasting at the time....am I?


Also, I have CA glue in my hair. I'm pretty sure that's the exact opposite of TV-hair. Nnngh.

My Kingdom for a Curry

Tonight, my friends, I have sunk to a new low. Tonight I made brownies from a bag. This after not having so much as touched the oven for more than tea for weeks. This, I feel, more than anything points to how much grad school is addling my brain. But there is one week left in the whirl-wind quarter and I plan to use the following three week break to my benefit.

I'm trying my best to be optimistic about the brownies. I picked up the Namaste brand when I was in Whole Foods awhile back on a whim. It was the first time I saw a package that was soy AND corn free in addition to gluten free. My thought: Why the heck not? Every girl needs an emergency stash, after all. The package does call for 3 eggs and a half cup of oil. I used Ener-G Egg Replacer and coconut oil instead of olive oil.

Batter taste test was....not promising. Grainy. Bitter. Upon further examination my guesses were accurate: Brown rice flour. I've been spoiled with my flour templates. But! Maybe I'll luck out and have brownie soup. That's good even if it's gritty.


Lord. This quarter needs to end so I can stop living off M&Ms and bad california rolls.

Thoughts from a Stolen Moment

Never have I better understood Hermione Granger than I do today. The movies have it entirely wrong. She isn't reveling in academia (well, not at first). She isn't disappointed at a lack of exams when they are canceled. She's terrified. How could she not be? A muggleborn, she is flung into a world completely alien to her. A world in which none of her family or friends to date can truly understand because they have not and they will never experience it. Even her Hogwarts friends come from drastically different backgrounds and cannot entirely relate with her experience. So she grabs hold of the text because it is a familiar lifeline. Maybe not the subject matter, per se, but the act of studying itself. English is still English (except when it's Latin-- but that's okay, too). She throws herself at it whole-heartedly not because it brings her particular joy, but because she is mind numbingly afraid. And to add insult to injury, nothing comes easily. If she does anything well it is because she has done that same thing a thousand times while locked away from prying eyes (with the exception of Moaning Myrtle, who hardly counts as a person anyhow). So she revels at whatever task she has finally managed to pull off with some satisfaction only to deflate when some Ravenclaw comes along to blow her out of the water. It's a slap in the face because they actually belong and she is an interloper. Or it feels that way sometimes. A quiet "Well done, Miss Granger." isn't met with a smug smile of self-confidence, but a breathy sigh of release and relief. But just how many school days ended with her crying in Myrtle's bathroom before Ron and Harry stumbled upon her by happenstance? And how many after?

That said, grad school isn't all bad. The people here are interesting and intelligent. The classes are insanely challenging. I feel like I might as well have not gone to undergrad at all. Many days feel like I am walking into battle unarmed. Perhaps there is something to the whole 'chasing the grade at the expense of the knowledge' thing, after all. Or maybe I was just learning different things. I still don't regret my time in German. Or ballet. Or Student Government, for that matter.

So, I suppose it just comes down to sucking it up and just doing the thing(s). Wish me luck.

From My Own Little Corner, In My Own Little Room. . .

Hello from Evanston, IL! My internet connection is now up and running steadily because Dave (as well all know) is a hero. Granted, I haven't had much time to devote to usual internet rituals. Graduate Orientation Week at Northwestern has engulfed my life. It is at once terrifying and fantastic. I feel sort of have the Hermione-syndrome here (aka-- I'm the muggle doing her best to keep up with everyone that has supposedly natural abilities). I cannot express how disorientating it is to be surrounded by tons of people who are at once bright and ambitious.

If school is terrifying, at least home is a comfort. I live in a terribly cute little house with a roommate who owns the Unicorn Cafe. She has a kitten named River and I feel that all three of us get along famously. It's just a happy little place that I am glad to come home to in the evenings after my thirty minute walk home from campus (sidenote: parking passes are $400! eesh. I'll use my own two feet, kthx).

We do not begin classes until next Tuesday, but I can already see a few changes creeping in here and there throughout my life. I've been more conscious about my eating habits, one. In a good way, I mean. I eat a breakfast every morning before my walk, lunch, snack around 3:30ish and then dinner when I get home. Also, I've been getting up around 7am daily with only marginal hemming and hawing. This is exceptionally impressive because I am not at all a morning person. Maybe it's the fact that I've been walking so much (it's like a way of life here), but I'm just more ready to take on the day. Speaking of days, they are absolutely beautiful here. I can feel the hint of fall in the air and Lake Michigan is exceptionally beautiful to lunch by. I didn't know water could get that blue. Everyone has been saying "Enjoy it now. It will be winter soon enough." To that I respond with: Why borrow tomorrows burdens when you could be enjoying today?

Also, some interesting opportunities regarding oral histories and theatre have cropped up recently through the head of my program. There is a distinct possibility that my whim-like project (which, I am still working on and hope to have posted within the next week or so) may branch into something larger than initially anticipated. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I should be working on a few drawings while I'm waiting for my portfolio to arrive tomorrow. Of all the things that I should forget in Decatur I chose that!

More details about grad school this weekend for certain after I get my banking things settled. Until then, much love!

Back from Beyond

Well, my friends, I can now safely say that I have returned from the wasteland and kicked it squarely in the face--- only to have it bounce back and beat the snot out of me. Suffice to say that the desert is still not my happy place (unlike Kathy, who seems to revel in it), but I'm thankful I tried again even if both my legs from the knees down are swollen to freakish proportions.

I collected a lot of wonderful interviews from burners and am in the process of transferring them to my computer and doing a write up for them. All of that will be posted here when I'm finished, so keep an eye out for experimentation with media. We'll see if I can master this whole 'internet' thing yet!

Currently I'm in Nahunta with family to collect a few things before I head to Chicago on Friday morning for grad school. It's still difficult to believe that I start orientation on Monday. I am at once excited and terrified at what lies before me. Luckily, after walking into the desert and living there a week sojourning to Chicago doesn't seem so daunting. Well, at least not in the same way. There I have people I know and I have a fairly good idea of what is going to happen. That said, what needs to happen in immediate future is another load of laundry. Wish me luck!

**Photo above taken by Kathy Lemberg and used with permission.