Thoughts from a Stolen Moment

Never have I better understood Hermione Granger than I do today. The movies have it entirely wrong. She isn't reveling in academia (well, not at first). She isn't disappointed at a lack of exams when they are canceled. She's terrified. How could she not be? A muggleborn, she is flung into a world completely alien to her. A world in which none of her family or friends to date can truly understand because they have not and they will never experience it. Even her Hogwarts friends come from drastically different backgrounds and cannot entirely relate with her experience. So she grabs hold of the text because it is a familiar lifeline. Maybe not the subject matter, per se, but the act of studying itself. English is still English (except when it's Latin-- but that's okay, too). She throws herself at it whole-heartedly not because it brings her particular joy, but because she is mind numbingly afraid. And to add insult to injury, nothing comes easily. If she does anything well it is because she has done that same thing a thousand times while locked away from prying eyes (with the exception of Moaning Myrtle, who hardly counts as a person anyhow). So she revels at whatever task she has finally managed to pull off with some satisfaction only to deflate when some Ravenclaw comes along to blow her out of the water. It's a slap in the face because they actually belong and she is an interloper. Or it feels that way sometimes. A quiet "Well done, Miss Granger." isn't met with a smug smile of self-confidence, but a breathy sigh of release and relief. But just how many school days ended with her crying in Myrtle's bathroom before Ron and Harry stumbled upon her by happenstance? And how many after?

That said, grad school isn't all bad. The people here are interesting and intelligent. The classes are insanely challenging. I feel like I might as well have not gone to undergrad at all. Many days feel like I am walking into battle unarmed. Perhaps there is something to the whole 'chasing the grade at the expense of the knowledge' thing, after all. Or maybe I was just learning different things. I still don't regret my time in German. Or ballet. Or Student Government, for that matter.

So, I suppose it just comes down to sucking it up and just doing the thing(s). Wish me luck.