Let's just leave it how it was.

Tonight I finished the last final of my first quarter of grad school. A model of the Big Apple Circus copied from one of my professor's designs. A terrifying, but (surprisingly) fun project. This morning was my final for Freehand drawing and on Monday I turned in my Script Analysis final (it was due today). With that in mind, I realize that I may not yet be at a good vantage point to look back and see what I've come away with so far. All the same, I am startled by the marked difference in work dynamics between myself and each of my comrades in arms.

In all honesty, my work isn't that great. Not bad, mind you. Just not great. I turn everything in on time and have not had to pull an all-nighter all quarter. In fact, the latest I have stayed up to get a project done is 2:30am (I think). I've tried to work steadily and use my time wisely. Some things I understood and some things I wrestled with until I could clutch the coat-tails of understanding. I'm on what I think is the path to comprehension. Only, just now I can dimly make out the shape of what I'm holding onto and I'm hoping it isn't something with large teeth and a hankering for mousy brunettes.

My classmates, on the other hand, are amazing. I love sitting back and watching them think. They are all quick and sharp. I'm frequently left dizzy with how swiftly they've grasped a topic and moved onto the next one while I'm puzzling something over from yesterday. Or the day before. But, what's more, they aren't just in it for themselves. If they have a triumph they want to share it with others. If there has been a breakthrough that makes life easier and helps side-step the sometimes intense desire to slit your wrists, it's passed along. It's humbling, really. I cannot express how grateful I am to know each and every one of them.

I cannot help but wonder, though, what is wrong with me that I cannot muster up a good gut-wrenching sense of despair when I realize I put my staircase on backwards. Granted, my model is no where near perfect (as much as I would like it to be) and even though I am proud of it tonight I know that tomorrow I will hate it by the end of class period, I'm just ready to be done. I wish that I were like the others. They keep pushing themselves to improve. I never think I'm coasting at the time....am I?


Also, I have CA glue in my hair. I'm pretty sure that's the exact opposite of TV-hair. Nnngh.